It scares me to know that a friend knows that I have an eating disorder. We’re not that close but everytime we meet, she seems to know how fucked up I’ve been.
I don’t know why I did what I did today. I’m fully aware of what I’m doing to myself is slow suicide. I am fully capable of making sensible, matured decisions. I really don’t know. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t even know why I bother posting this because really, no one cares anyway.
I don’t know her personally. But a couple of my friends do. She committed suicide a few days ago. A facebook memorial was set up for her, some wall posts read how stupid she was. In fact, she is one brave lady. When everything drives you to desperation, how many of us possess the courage to actually carry out the act of ending our own lives? For whatever reason she gave up her life for, I hope she is free now.
I wished my mom would tell me she hates me, that she’s angry or that I’m useless, worthless and totally wasting space in this apartment instead of slamming things, keeping the silent barrier and looking at me like I’m a flaw in her life that she cannot fix.
I’m so lonely. Everyone does their own thing at home, I’m starting to believe nobody really cares enough to know if I’m dead or alive. My sister slams away on the keyboard less than a metre away from me, my tears are falling and no one notices. Where are the ‘friends’ who promised they’d be there? Where is everybody? I b/p twice today and there wasn’t even a reason to. I hear voices in my head, an indication that I’m looney? Why am I so fucked up? I want to know how it feels like to be normal for a day. How it’s like to smile. I am absolutely and completely lonely.